shared_subconsciousness

''shared subconsciousness'' a sarazanmai interactive fanfiction experience written for we die like fen: morphogenetic fields (set: $endReo to false)(set: $endMabu to false)(set: $endTrue to false) [[start|Actual Start]]

(after:1s,1s)[ (transition: "dissolve") [It's dark here. ] ] (after:3s,3s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [You feel like you've been here forever. A piercing cold cuts through you, inhuman, not alive. There's only one thing that is tethering you: a rhythmic thudding, thick and wet, familiar but deeply *wrong* in ways that you are finding difficult to define and name. ]] (after:6s,6s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [You must have been here a thousand times before, but something has changed irrevocably. You'll never be the same again once you come out the other side. ]] (if: $endReo and $endMabu is true) [ (set: $endTrue to true) ] (after:10s,10s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [ [[Even so, there's a yearning that's pulling you forward.]] ] ]

Even in sleep, your body knows what it needs. There's a certain inevitability to it. You've known it for as long as you can remember, since the day when you met him, slick and soaked through with rain and you made your first two promises to each other. This is what you've always needed. [[You're dreaming, but that doesn't make this not real.]]

What are you dreaming about? [[A storm.]] [[A flood.]] (if: $endTrue is true) [[I don't think we're asleep anymore.]]

Of course. How could you dream of anything else? (after: 2s,2s)[ (transition: "dissolve") [(text-colour:red)[You've never changed, after all.]] ] (after: 4s,4s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [... You don't know why you didn't understand before. [[The sound is his heart.]] ] ]

Oh? Your dreams are often of the sun. You've told the otters as much. [[Something must be wrong.]]

Of course you're not. You haven't been in the Skytree for a long time. Days? Weeks? Months? Years? It's hard to keep track, especially when you're still working for the otters. [[All the days blend into one when you're doing the sort of work you do. ]]

But it's all wrong. Mabu is dead. Mabu's been dead for over a year. The thing lying in front of you is a doll, perfectly created by the otters to serve their sick and twisted needs. Why does a doll need a heart? To taunt you? To remind you of everything that you've lost? [[To rub in the fact that he doesn't love you anymore?]]

If you were a charitable man, you would let it go. You love Mabu. More than anything. Unconditionally, you thought. Without him, you wouldn't be standing here. You'd probably be dead. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [(text-colour:red)[You should be dead. It should be you on that deathbed, not him.] ]] (after:6s,6s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [You shake your head. You've always known you weren't as good as Mabu was hoping you were, but you have to admit that you fooled yourself for a while. It was easy to pretend, with Mabu. That you were decent, and kind, and actually gave a shit about other people. [[It's all useless without Mabu, though.]] ] ]

Because a world without Mabu isn't a world you want to live in. It's a world that shouldn't exist. The year you've spent without Mabu has been hellish. You only forced yourself to get up in the morning because you knew you had to uphold your end of the bargain. Surely you could endure this, for as long as it took, as long as the otters brought Mabu back, right? You'd do anything. You'd stay strong. Mabu did so much for you. He died for you. It was only fair to wait patiently for Mabu to be returned to you again. Not like you wanted to do anything else. Not like you weren't going to the Chief Otticer's lab every day, hovering by the open doorway like a ghost. [[You saw him like that, like this, with two black paws sunk into his chest.]]

Mabu's eyes are open, but he's not looking at you. You frown deeply. The otters said that Mabu won't need to sleep anymore, now that he's been resurrected. The mechanical heart in his chest is a marvel of modern medicine, far outside of the best technologies that humans or kappas could hope to achieve. (after:5s,5s) [ (transition: "dissolve") [ [(text-colour:red)[[That doesn't change that it's a lie.]]]] ]

You know the truth. It's been spelled out for you, clear and simple. This isn't Mabu. The thing on the table is a fake, a doll, a pale imitation of the man you loved so dearly. [[Mabu died, and it's your fault.]]

You sniffle pitifully, feeling tears burning at your eyelids. You're not going to let it end like this, you keep telling yourself. There are ways around this. It has to be temporary. You'll get the dishes and make your dreams come true. [[That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt.]]

Because it does. A lot. "Mabu?" Your voice is too quiet. It sounds so far outside of your body, like a ghost. His eyes are still. They stare up blankly at the ceiling. He's ignoring you. (after:3s,3s) [(transition:"dissolve") [(text-colour:red)[He hates you.]]] (after:4s,4s) [(transition:"dissolve") [[[You gulp and bend over him regardless.|You gulp and bend over him regardless.]]]]

It's disconcerting how much he looks like the real thing. Every strand of hair. Every pore. The way his long limbs rest gracefully, straight and even like a soldier's. You narrow your eyes and climb into bed with him. He doesn't react. What were you expecting? [[It's not like he's real.]]

Yes... He's not real. You feel like you have to keep reminding yourself of that. Love is making you blind to the truth. You miss Mabu to the point where your soul aches constantly without him by your side. But you can't blind yourself to what's right in front of you. The otters dressed the doll well today. The right side of his yukata is folded over his left, showing him for what he is, revealing the truth in all its terrible glory. [[You hate looking at him like that.]]

You hate lies, but an illusion would be comforting. Otters love to manipulate memory. Couldn't they have chosen something nice, instead of this? Couldn't they breathe blood back into Mabu's skin, so he didn't look so deathly pale? Couldn't they bring back that secretive sparkle in his eye? Couldn't they make him lie to you, make him tell you that he loves you once more? [["Mabu,"]] you repeat.

The doll reacts to your voice this time. He rolls his head to the side, his cheek resting against his pillow, and glances down at you, impassive. It's so fake. The otters might be technically proficient, but they don't understand love. They don't understand what you need. You grit your teeth, clenching your fists. [["Why did you have to save me?"]]

The doll's adam's apple bobs, but he doesn't reply. "I'd rather be dead than live another day without you. Don't you get it?" Resentment pours off of you, and you hate that you feel this way but you can't stop it. "Why did you leave me behind?" [[He looks away, pressing his lips tightly together.]]

Hot, burning despair builds within you. "Mabu, I want you back. I want to touch you. I want you so badly that it aches. Don't you get it? Why won't you look at me? Why aren't you the Mabu who I fell in love with?" He sets his brow. "I am the same as I always was, Reo. The otters have done incredible work in giving me life." (after:3s,3s) [(transition:"dissolve") [(text-colour:red)[["Lies."]]]]

You climb into bed with him and straddle his legs. - It's been almost a year since you've been this close to him. Every time you've seen him since he's died, you've been behind a pane of glass, or you've seen him betray you from across a corridor, or you've had an otter holding you back because you wanted more than anything to hold and touch and possess Mabu's body, even if it was dead - [[Try as you might, the desire still remains.]]

Because there's always been desire, from the first moment you laid eyes on him, when you were small and wanted nothing more than to die, before you even knew what desire felt like. Desire is a white hand smeared with dirt. Desire is a white hand with blood pouring down it. Desire is your teeth in his neck as he cries out your name, trembling legs wrapped around your waist. Desire is everything. You think desire may be even more powerful than love. (after:5s,5s) [(transition:"dissolve") [[[[No wonder everyone thought you were an otter when you were a kid.|No wonder everyone thought you were an otter when you were a kid.]]]]]

Something snaps in your head, and you tear off his obi, unbothered as it rips underneath your fingers. Mabu doesn't react. Mabu doesn't care. Mabu isn't here. You swallow back a groan of pain and frustration, lowering your head and slamming a fist between Mabu's stomach and his left arm. "I miss you so much," you sob. "I need you more than anything. Come back to me." He says nothing, but his left arm moves, and his hand slips underneath the sleeve of your yukata, fingers tracing along the back of your forearm. [["Reo," he says, way too even.]]

Despite yourself, you look at him, even as your left hand moves to open his yukata. Still that blank, empty stare with the glossed-over eyes. You wonder if he'd still look at you like that if you bit his lips, licked at his neck, squeezed the space between his legs. [[Hm.]]

You haven't thought about it much until this moment, when you see Mabu lying practically naked beneath you. You know that the otters made some adjustments to Mabu's insides when they brought him back to life. His outsides look the same, at least by your estimation, but there's something darker lurking underneath. The mechanical heart alone can sustain him, so he doesn't have much of a digestive system anymore. His lungs are mostly vestigial. You're pretty sure that oil and pure distilled desire run through his veins in conjunction with his old, clotted blood. What else did they throw away? [[You place his hand on his flat belly, glaring down at him, and push.]]

He inhales, a single deep breath of air, but doesn't react otherwise as your hand enters his body. It doesn't feel right. No matter how many times you've been told that this is natural, and that this is the only way that you're able to get to Mabu's heart anymore, it feels so deeply *wrong* that you find yourself flinching when your fingertips brush against his spine. (after:4s,4s) [(transition:"dissolve") [It feels like putting your hand inside of a gutted fish. ]] (after:5s,5s) [(transition:"dissolve") [Fresh meat. ]] (after:6s,6s) [(transition:"dissolve") [[[That's all he is anymore.|That's all he is anymore.]] ]]

You could end it right now. You're only a dozen centimeters away from ripping out his heart and eating it. That's one way to destroy Mabu's heart. That's one way to tell the otters that you don't like this, that you don't like them, that you don't like this fucking nightmare of a situation that they've put you in. (after:3s,3s) [(transition:"dissolve") [The flesh of his stomach wavers around your arm. ]] (after:5s,5s) [(transition:"dissolve") [You blink, knit your eyebrows, and pull out of him. There's a hole in his stomach that takes a few seconds to fill. It reminds you of a deep, primordial need. It reminds you of being inside of him and feeling sated in an entirely different way. (text-colour:red)[[[You're so hungry.|You're so hungry.]]]]]

You've been starving ever since you've lost him. How could you eat the slop that the otters tried to give you, when you remember the food that Mabu used to make for you? Memories of Mabu poring over cookbooks and his carefully organized spice drawer, of all of the pots and pans he owned (that you've been too grief-stricken to box away), of shopping with him in Kappabashi and the way his eyes lit up when you took him to eat fugu. You remember him making you ningyouyaki, so much that it nearly overflowed the koban. He really wanted you to eat it all, but you ended up giving most of it away to hungry tourists and kindly neighbors. (after:5s,5s) [(transition:"dissolve") [You remember him replacing your cucumber.]] (after:6s,6s) [(transition:"dissolve") [ [[How could you eat something that wasn't made with love? ]] ]]

You don't realize that you're sobbing until your vision clouds over. You press the heel of your hand against your eyes, wiping away your tears, and you lower yourself over Mabu's body. The hole in his stomach has healed, like there was never a wound to begin with. There's no blood on your arm, either. Funny. Lucky bastard. Easy enough to forget that you were ever there. If you say it doesn't hurt, then it doesn't. That said... [[You're absolutely starving.]]

You think he knows it, too. How couldn't he? (after:2s,2s) [(transition:"dissolve") [If he really is Mabu, like he says, then he knows that you are a wild creature without him, and that this was what was destined from the first time you met. You've only ever been good at hurting him. ]] (after:4s,4s) [(transition:"dissolve") [And if he's not, then it really doesn't matter what he thinks, does it.]] (after:6s,6s) [(transition:"dissolve") [ [[You change position, slipping down between his legs.]] ]]

You've been here so many times before. You've tasted Mabu hundreds - maybe even thousands - of times. Your mouth has been full of him, and you've swallowed him gratefully each and every time. Strange, how things change. [[Strange how nothing has changed.]]

You place your mouth against his right thigh, mouthing at it desperately, not knowing how to start but knowing that *this* is the best place to begin. He tenses underneath you, just minutely. You can feel his muscle moving underneath a thin layer of skin. You grasp onto his inner thigh and close your eyes. The doll smells like Mabu. The doll's skin tastes like Mabu. (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[You curl back your lips and bite down hard.]] ]]

Mabu grunts low in his throat, and you feel your cock twitch underneath your yukata at the sound. There's a whisper of a memory. You remember when he confessed to you, blinking slowly and tilting his head in confusion, as if he thought that you had already known. His body was warm against yours as you pulled him in for a kiss, and you felt his desire grow underneath your fingertips as you ran one hand up the back of his shirt and squeezed his ass with the other. You were on your knees within fifteen minutes, and his knees were shaking as you put him in your mouth for the first time, your head spinning from the quickness of it all but that's how it always was, with Mabu. He cared about certain things being proper and orderly, but never when it came to you. Never when it came to (text-colour:red)[desire.] (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[His skin resists underneath your teeth for a few seconds, but you push through until you feel it rip open.]] ]]

Blood pours over the flat of your tongue, and you taste him. He's sweet. Surprisingly rich for something raw, somewhat similar to finely filleted raw tuna. He tastes so much better than the rotten food that you had to eat out of dumpsters when you were a kid, to the point where you, on one occasion, got so sick that you thought you were going to die. That was the last time you ever ate raw meat that wasn't explicitly prepared to be eaten. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [(text-colour:red)[But he was made for you by the otters, wasn't he?]]] (after:6s,6s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[You pant through your nose as you rip off a chunk of his flesh with your teeth.]] ]]

The meat in your mouth is tough at first bite, but it slowly melts into your mouth the more you chew it, coating your tongue like fresh butter. You've never tasted something so creamy, so rich, so nourishing in your entire life. You try your best to savor it. This is a limited resource, after all. Mabu. *Mabu.* [[You wipe the blood and tears from your cheeks and look at him.]]

His eyes are focused on you, pupils dialated. The doll's lips part slightly, and you're not sure if he's panting and if the "Reo" you hear is a hopeful figment of your imagination, or... When he looks at you like that, you really can't stop yourself. [[You bite again, harder, deeper.]]

Mabu's breath hitches, and you growl like a wild animal, ripping off his flesh easier this time. It's always easiest once you've started, isn't it? You need to savor this. You can't savor this. [[You need to devour him whole.]]

Yes. Because this is what you always wanted. You told him yourself, so long ago. "I was happy when I made you bleed." And he said, in return, "If you're happy, then I'm happy, too." You were so mad at the time that he reacted that way. It wasn't good that he was happy. He should have been mad at you. He was never mad at you, but you will never forgive yourself. [[Hahaha.]]

He tastes like salt and iron and every wasted dream you've ever had for a better future, dissolving like cotton candy in your mouth, catching on each of your sharp teeth. You eat like you've never known food. Like you've never known love. Like you've never clutched onto a warm hand for dear life, and that nobody told you to never let go. He's gasping, his hips shifting underneath your firm grasp. You look up, feeling his hot blood dripping down your chin, blinking slowly. You feel drunk on the taste of him and the sorrow overflowing your dish. Mabu's cock is hard. It's a little hard to tell, with his underwear and his hand in the way, but... His hand. [[Mabu is touching himself.]]

You stare for a solid thirty seconds, chewing a chunk of Mabu's flesh absentmindedly. He's breathing rapidly, the fingers of his right hand digging into the sheets by his head, a faint blush on his pale cheeks. When he notices you watching, his hand speeds up, and he makes the faintest wanton noise you've ever heard from him. He looks exactly the way you wanted him. Just as beautiful as he was when he was alive. [[You swallow.]]

This doll's body is all you'll ever have again. You've told yourself this. You believe it, you think. But seeing Mabu get hard because you're doing something to him makes you feel a surge of painful, sickly-sweet nostalgia. You want to touch him nicely. You want to make him moan your name and come undone underneath you, cling onto you. Tell you he still loves you. You want to believe he still loves you, even though you heard him say that he hates you. [[You'd hate yourself too, if you were brought back like Mabu was.]]

Could this be...? It's ridiculous to feel shy when Mabu's blood is dripping down your chin and chest, but you aren't sure what to do, feeling like a blushing teenager who needs to be guided. "I want you to kiss me elsewhere," Mabu had told you back then, and that was easy enough to understand. This feels like an impossible riddle. Mabu is hard because of you. Mabu hates you. Mabu looks like he's feeling pleasure. Mabu's heart always so cold underneath your fingertips when you touch it. Desire wins out. [[You reach for the band of his underwear and tug.]]

"No!" That single word splashes over you like a cold bucket of water. You recoil and stare, dumbfounded, feeling your heart twist in confusion and the icy-hot despair of rejection. Mabu has never, *ever* told you no when it comes to sex. He's always wanted the same things you've wanted. You've always understood each other in that way. Other things might be difficult sometimes, like his insistence on cooking for you naked even though he might get burned doing so, or your tendency to leave dirty clothes on the floor... but sex, love, desire... that all comes as naturally to you two as breathing. Even when you were both young and inexperienced, you both came away from connecting with each other smiling, hearts full. (text-colour:red)[ [[Mabu wouldn't act like this.]]]

(text-colour:red)[ Of course. It's obvious, in retrospect. His cock, his arousal, his pleasure. These are all tricks that the otters put in place for you. Maybe they don't have a use for love, but desire? They can use that in spades. This is all a ploy. [[This isn't Mabu.]]]

(text-colour:red)[You know what to do. You give up on the illusion that you could ever have a nice relationship with Mabu ever again. You think back to the way he'd smile just for you, the way he'd chuckle and his nose would scrunch up in annoyed bemusement when you'd tell a truly terrible pun. You look at his eyes, glossy from arousal but otherwise entirely empty. [[You climb on top of him, keeping your bodies as separate as possible, and hover your mouth over the soft of his vulnerable neck.]] ]

"What do you desire?" you ask his pulse. (You're asking yourself that question, too, but he doesn't need to know that.) He trembles. He spreads his legs and guides you between them, his decimated, ruined thigh pressing into your hip. Mabu then wraps his arms around your back, his fingers clutching onto the collar of your yukata, and tilts his neck to the side. You remember giving him his first hickey. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [...]] (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[You bite down without any hesitation.]] ]]

Blood fills your mouth, dizzyingly thick, and Mabu wraps his legs around your waist, moaning and rocking rhythmically against you. It'd be nice if it wasn't so terrible. ... Until suddenly he isn't, and his whole body goes limp. (text-colour:red)[ [[This is all you were ever good for, Reo.]]]

- You wake up gasping and heaving, covered in sweat with your stomach churning violently. Immediately, you cup your hand over your mouth and fumble your way to the bathroom, barely making it to the sink before you empty your guts of your dinner. It tastes just the same coming up as it did going down: otter chow, nothing more and nothing less. It tastes nothing like... [[...]]

You turn on the tap, washing your face while also flushing your vomit down the drain. You don't feel any better when you're clean. You're hungry and lonely and cold. "Fucking otters." Sighing, you go back to your bed and stare up at the sakura-patterned ceiling, thinking about the last date you could never go on with him, one of the last sweet pictures he ever took. (set: $endReo to true) You hold the image of Mabu, smiling as cherry blossoms fall in his hair, close to your heart until you [[fall back asleep.|Actual Start]]

It's true enough to say that you've felt out of sorts in your body ever since you've been brought back to life. Death was cold and still - almost like sleep, but much heavier. You remember telling Reo to not let go, just like you had when you first met - because it's so important that he knows that, because his desire is worth so much and he will never know how much it really matters - and then your mind freeze-framed on his distraught face until everything turned black. Your last memory was his hand squeezing onto yours. Blood poured from your body. In the dark, that's all there was. Reo. Reo. Calling out without a voice, a yearning that had no beginning or ending. You longed for that connection. And then, darkness greeted you when you awoke and felt the Chief Otticer's paws cupping your hand. [[If only that was as far as he went with you that day.]]

But worse than what the Chief Otticer did to you physically was the terrible cost of staying alive. You've resigned yourself to this fate because you love Reo, and you hope desperately that you can make your feelings known without words... even if some doubts eat at you. (Not about Reo. You believe in Reo. More your own ability to tell him that you love him without saying those words, since you used to love to abuse them. What you'd give to say them just one more time.) The mechanical heart beats in your chest, a calm and steady rhythm. There's no beginning, no ending, no connecting to it. Still, it's the only thing that's keeping you tethered to Reo. Even if you can't connect to him, just being near him is plenty. It has to be enough, since it's all you'll ever get again. [[Right?]]

It has to be. Otter certainly isn't enough. He grins wickedly and gets naked for you every time he needs to make sure that your mechanical heart is working properly, which seems entirely too often to you, but you don't want your mechanical heart to fail. It's a price you're willing to take because you absolutely cannot deal with being away from Reo again. Not like that. That's not how things are supposed to go. He always looks like Reo when he's wrist deep inside of you, when he chokes you and when he fondles you, but that makes it worse. Otter says that he does it to make maintanence more easy on you, but you think you know the truth. [[He's fucking with you.]]

Not just literally, either. You stare up at the ceiling. The Chief Otticer said that you shouldn't be able to dream anymore, and you pretty much only ever dream when you're trying to think about something else. When Otter spreads your legs and pushes his cock inside you, you look away from the face that looks so much like the man you love, and think about [[the boy that you fell in love with.]]

How could you ever forget that day? Rain. His golden hair shining through it, a beautiful beacon of light that you couldn't tear your eyes from. His unbearably cute face when he finally accepted your hand, and the look in his eyes when you said that you wanted him to pour water on your dish. The shy longing in his voice when he said that he wanted to do the same to you. The way his voice cracked and he blushed deeply when you said that you also liked broccoli and ningyouyaki, and then his incredulous disbelief when you asked if they tasted good together. They say that fairy tales don't exist, but you know better. You're a kappa. You are proof that fairy tales are real. They say that love at first sight doesn't exist, either. They're wrong. [[From the first time that you held his hand, you knew that you were connected indelibly.]]

Maybe you didn't know the full shape of that connection at the time, how it looped in on itself, full circle - beginning, middle, and end - but you knew that you needed to protect Reo, and that he would be yours always. This is... an obstacle, for certain. But it changes nothing. You still love Reo more than anything else, and you know in your heart that Reo loves you. He might be spurning your cautious advances now, but it's a waiting game. You understood faster than he did that your love and desire for each other was equal and evenly matched, but he caught on quickly once you made it clear to him. (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [You wish you could sleep. [[You miss thinking about how things were back then, instead of worrying about the present and how to get through each day. ]] ]]

It hasn't been long since you've woken up, but you have nearly let the words slip a half dozen times already. It's so, so hard to not tell Reo that you love him, but being alive and by his side is better than being dead and leaving him alone. You try to think of other things that could put you back to sleep, even though trying to sleep with this body is almost always a waste of time. You think of Reo's sleeping body next to yours, the way he curls up and hugs his blankets. How easy it is to roll over and spoon him, wrapping your arms around his middle, nuzzling your face against his back and slipping one of your legs between his, and he might mumble your name sleepily as he puts a hand over yours and laces your fingers together. ... This doesn't have its intended effect. You definitely can't sleep now. You resign yourself to a sleepless night when you hear it, barely a whisper. [["Mabu?"]]

You don't look at him. You think that if you did, your heart would swell too large and you'd say the words that would kill you. The words that Reo probably needs to hear, but the words he can never hear again unless he wants you dead. You're not ready yet. You need to know for certain that he wants you gone before you'll be able to let it go. You hope that day doesn't come for a long time. Even when things are hard, just like they are now, you want to be with Reo. You want to see Reo smile, hear him laugh, watch his face open up in amazement when you cook him perfect ningyouyaki. (Sure, your ability to make ningyouyaki that's edible has... declined with your lack of digestive system, but that doesn't make it impossible. Love conquers all, and desire strengthens love. You know that better than anybody.) [[He bends over you.]]

You refuse to turn your gaze from the ceiling. You try to think about the sky, the day that you met. A gray sky is full of promise, you think. It could bring rain, or the clouds could part to reveal the sun. Both rain and sun are needed for the promise of new life, in equal parts. You think that maybe you are the rain and Reo is the sun. Reo burns hot, and you want nothing more than to curl up in the warmth of his glow. The sun is lonely when it rains, his deep lingering sadness clinging tightly against his skin, so you've promised that you'll always be there when it rains. [[You wonder how many times it's rained since you've died.]]

The bed creaks slightly under his weight as he joins you, kneeling at your feet. You can't see him in your periphery, but you've been in this position enough times to understand what your partner is doing. You've always understood him like that. It's a lucky thing, to have a connection that doesn't need words. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[You think you might have taken it for granted.]] ]]

"Mabu," Reo says again, insistent. There's an edge to his voice; it sounds like it'll crack under any more strain. You can't ignore it anymore. You need to be there for him. You turn your face to the side and look down at him, trying to keep your face as neutral as possible. "Why did you have to save me?" he asks. [[You think the answer is obvious.]]

Why do anything? (after:2s,2s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [Because of desire, of course. Desire is life. Desire is everything. ]] (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [You desire, more than anything else, for Reo to be happy and safe. If you could only choose one, "safe" is what wins. That doesn't mean that you can't make him happy later. It's just... a process. It takes time, but it's not impossible. You strongly believe that. [[It doesn't seem as if he agrees. ]] ]]

"I'd rather be dead than live another day without you. Don't you get it?" His voice is shaking, full of rage and grief. You want to reach out to him, hold him in your arms and stroke his long blond hair like you have so many times before when his emotions overtake him, but you know that you can't. If you did, you'd need to tell him, and that would probably kill both of you. What he says next he asks you while looking you straight in the eyes, tears threatening to spill over his waterline. (You think his dish has been overflowing for nearly a year.) [["Why did you leave me behind?"]]

It's impossible to look at him when he's in this much pain. You bite your tongue and turn your head to the side, swallowing down the surge of love and desire that bolts up your hollowed belly to your mechanical heart. Even if there shouldn't be anything there, the otters seem to have miscalculated. The amount of love you possess can't be any less than it used to be. "Mabu, I want you back." He's so close to you. "I want to touch you." Then why doesn't he? You're right here. "I want you so badly that it aches. Don't you get it? Why won't you look at me? Why aren't you the Mabu who I fell in love with?" [[It's so much easier to look at the ceiling than at him.]]

You inhale slowly, trying to not betray the emotions swirling within you, and finally speak. "I am the same as I always was, Reo. The otters have done incredible work in giving me life." It's true, if you look at it logically. You admit that you don't understand the full breadth of the injuries that killed you, but it was a mixture of blunt force trauma and internal organ failure, from what you understand. The otters reviving you after spending nearly a year dead is no feat to be sneezed at. It's not a lie. You wish you could explain it to Reo, but you think he wouldn't understand even if he did believe you. The word that comes out of his mouth sounds slippery and dark, like an oil slick on clear water. [["... Lies."]]

It sounds so deep that for a second you question yourself, your mechanical heart slowing out of a warped self-preservation instinct. It's not Otter, is it? Reo straddles your legs, and you feel your heart in your throat. He's dangerously close. (after:3s,3s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [It'd be easy to kiss him, if you wanted to.]] (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[It'd be easy to let him kill you, if you wanted to.]] ]]

He makes the decision for you, his hands ripping off your obi. It's not like you've never been here before, but usually he's gentle enough to not destroy your clothes. Are they your clothes, or are they window dressing to present you in whatever way the otters deem fit? Are you yourself anymore? Reo must be thinking the same thing. He ducks his head and you feel his tears soaking through the thin material of your yukata as he starts weeping, punching the bed in sorrow. You promised him you'd never hate anything ever again, but you hate seeing him like this. [["I miss you so much." His voice is thick and heavy. "I need you more than anything. Come back to me."]]

Whatever resistance you have in you breaks. Maybe it was like this, too, on that day. You weren't supposed to be wandering on your own. You had been told to stop bringing cats home with you, because you couldn't save every animal. Reo is much more than an animal, so that's different, but *this* is the same. [[Without thinking about what you're doing, you slide your hand up his arm.]]

You're skin to skin. Even in this stark, terrible moment, it's hard to not feel deliriously happy that you're able to touch him like this, in this little way, because touching Reo feels like a completion that you've never known before and will never know again. "Reo." [[He lifts his head, sniffling, and his gaze turns dark.]]

You try not to panic. This is Reo. This isn't the Chief Otticer. Reo sometimes loses his cool, and freaks out over small things that often aren't on your radar, but he loves you. (after:3s,3s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [Reo cares about you. ]] (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[You aren't going to let go of the one desire that's keeping you alive, even if it kills you.]] ]]

Without warning, he pushes his hand inside of your belly. [[You resist the urge to gasp and squirm.]]

This isn't the first time that Reo has put his hand inside of you. Reo has had to rip out your heart every time you extract desire from Kappa Zombies, and the otters have showed him extensively how to handle your heart. (after:2s,2s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [It's a delicate thing, they say.]] (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [You try not to think of that, instead focusing on the sensation of Reo inside of you. He's gentle. His fingertips explore the empty space in your abdominal cavity, searching for anything familiar. He finds your spine, and recoils at the sensation. [[You feel a jolt of electricity rush through your entire body when he touches you there.]] ]]

It's not the same as having sex, but you have issues denying the similarities between the two. You think about the first time that he was on his knees in front of you. You were both still teenagers, and you'd incorrectly thought you'd been dating for three years at that point (do best friends cuddle with each other and hold hands while doing homework together?), but your desire for each other boiled over. When his mouth found your cock for the first time, you felt it in your entire body. [[You still feel it in your entire body, even now that he's pulled out of you.]]

It's almost nice. It would definitely be nice if he wasn't crying hysterically on top of you. But what can you do? If you do too much, you're at risk for saying something dangerous. If you do too little, he's going to hate you. ... He won't *really* hate you. If he understood, he'd forgive you instantly. You have endless faith in him. You'll find a way out of this, some sort of loophole where you can communicate the one desire that keeps your heart going, and he will understand and accept that you really are back with him instead of some fake doll the otters made for him. [[His crying slows a little, and he pushes apart your legs.]]

Your heart races in anticipation. Is Reo really...? You don't know what Reo is going to do. You thought he wasn't especially interested in this, ever since you woke up. He has spurned every attempt at physical contact before these past several minutes, and now his mouth is hovering just above your crotch. ... It doesn't stay there for long, though. He shifts, rubbing his cheek against your right thigh, nuzzling and licking it. More like how a kitten might react when kneading at a soft blanket in the absence of its mother than a lover looking to arouse their partner. You want to ask him if he's all right. You're worried. [[Your body likes it.]]

You know you can't control your body, especially not now that the otters have molded it to be especially sensitive to desire, but you wish you could show Reo the love he so desperately needs. It's stressing you out. [[He suddenly bites down hard.]]

Pain explodes like fireworks where your skin is torn off... and then quickly gives way to bubbly pleasure, like drinking a good vintage sparkling wine. You're inside of Reo forever, now. [[Heat rushes to your cheeks and to your groin.]]

Reo's sharp teeth sink into your skin again and again, taking shallow but very real bites. Will the otters be able to repair you after this? Do you *want* them to? He looks up at you, your blood dripping down his chin, and [[you wish from the bottom of your heart that you could kiss him.]]

"Reo," you gasp, barely a whisper. He understands you. [[He bites down with all the force in his body, tearing off a larger chunk of your thigh.]]

You gasp, and you feel your cock fill with blood. You were already a little hard - have been ever since Reo plunged his hand inside of you - but now you're *painfully* hard. Is it funny that this is what hurts, not the fact that your partner is eating you? No. Because this is what you've always wanted, deep down. If Reo is hungry, you will feed him. [[He's never been this hungry before in his life.]]

You can't stand it, though. You haven't felt willing arousal since you've woken up. Every time that the Chief Otticer has fucked you, he's made sure that you've come, but it's never felt especially fun or enjoyable. It's not like making love to Reo. [[And what is this, if not the ultimate culmination of your love for him?]]

Trying to not draw too much attention, because you feel huge jolts of pleasure each time Reo bites off another chunk from you, you slide your left hand between your legs, rubbing yourself outside of your underwear. [[You close your eyes and revel in it.]]

He stops, stilling, although you can feel his breath against your leg. You peek your eyes open and look down at him. He's dazed, and you see the raw red-pink of your muscle in his mouth as he chews with his mouth open (something that he almost never does; he must be terribly distracted.) [[But he's looking at you.]]

He's *really* looking at you, for the first time in what feels like forever, and this is almost enough to push you over the edge. You move your hand faster, moaning quietly and arching your back for him. *Eat me. Need me. Make me yours forever.* Maybe, when he goes back down on your leg, you'll pet his hair, just like you used to after you'd come down his throat. The thought makes you feel warm and soft. ... (text-colour:red)[ [[A dark paw reaches for your waistband.]]]

It can't be. Two beady red eyes stare up at you, a Cheshire Cat grin distorting his features. Was this all a lie? It felt so real. But you can't tolerate this. Not with him. It should be *Reo.* [["No!"]]

The illusion of Otter in front of you vanishes, revealing Reo in front of you. It was always Reo, right? It had to be... Fuck. [[Now it's you that's been tricked.]]

The betrayal in Reo's eyes turns into something deeper, darker, but you know it's not Otter. It's still Reo. You've only seen this face a few times before, but you know it's him. He climbs on top of you, lowering his face to let his teeth scrape against your jugular. [[You close your eyes, shaking all over.]]

Maybe it's fucked up that you'll never feel normal desire again, but you very much want this. "What do you desire?" Reo asks against your neck. You can feel his tongue move with his teeth. (after:3s,3s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [Bite.]] (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [Chew.]] (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[Swallow. ]]]]

You spread your legs for him, hoping that he understands what you're trying to tell him without words, and let him lay between them. He's not as hard as you are, but he *is* hard. Somehow, that's comforting. He isn't biting, so you stretch your neck, giving him cleaner access. [[He goes for it.]]

You moan, not caring that the sounds you're making are clearly those of a pleased lover, and rock your hips against his, clinging onto him with all your strength. His teeth are in so deep. They feel like they are cutting all the way through you, until they're piercing you not just in your neck, but through your leg, through your stomach - Through your heart. Ryounkaku groans, filling your ears, blocking out all other tactile sensation. [[You're no longer here.]]

- As soon as your dream switches to something awful, you wake up with a start. You're panting, your cock aching. You think one touch might set you over the edge. Is it really worth risking it, though? [[You don't know what the otters are doing with the desire energy you've been harvesting, and this is the most pure desire you've felt since you've been revived.]]

Reo is just a few doors down. He's probably sleeping. The Skytree is vast, but you can sense that he's here. You always know how to find him. ... What would you hope to accomplish by waking him? He'd only get annoyed. You sigh, closing your eyes, and pull open your yukata. Carefully, since you haven't done this very much, you press your hand to your sternum and push, reaching inside. [[The mechanical heart is lukewarm in your hand when you pull it out to examine it.]]

If it was real, then it'd be burning. Reo is so close, but you can't touch him. All you can feel is the weight of your heart, far too heavy, a cold and inhuman thing. No wonder he doesn't love you like he used to. There are still things to remember. His smiling face. The way he'd pout when his tea was slightly too cold. The careless joy on his face when he'd tell you that he'd protect you from anyone that hurt you. (set:$endMabu to true) You try to think of these things, and you let the rhythmic memory of rain wash away the current reality of your manmade heart, devoid of love. Even though it takes time, you eventually [[fall back asleep.|Actual Start]]

At the same time, it could have been real. You definitely feel like it's real. Reo sits up first with a start, blinking his bleary eyes rapidly. Mabu stays still in his bed, listening to his partner flail helplessly in the dark. It's not like before, when you'd sit up from a shared nightmare simultaneously. Something was between you, then, but it was physical at the time. [[Ideas are much more difficult to kill.]]

Reo turns his head to Mabu, scowling. If Reo's expression is clear to Mabu, it's not clear to Reo. The streetlamp outside is the only thing that would betray Reo's feelings. That, and the gulf between your futons, but that's been there for a long time. [[You've been wondering lately if that gap really is insurmountable.]]

Feels like it is, a lot of the time. Mabu rolls over in bed, his eyes resting gently on his partner. "What were you dreaming about?" he asks. "Nothing," Reo lies. You both know it's a lie, but Mabu doesn't push the issue. "I see." "And you? Do you even sleep anymore?" [[Mabu doesn't say anything.]]

"Yeah. I thought so." Mabu rolls back in bed, looking up at the ceiling. Reo can't stop staring at him. [[You wonder what even *is* real in circumstances like this.]]

Mabu's death has proven that bodies are both eternal and transient. Mabu will never be the same as he was when he died in Reo's arms. Reo will never know the soft, loving kisses that Mabu used to love to give him, ever again. Mabu isn't soft any more. Neither is Reo, but in an entirely different way. [[You steal a glance at him.]]

He's looking at you, too, and you aren't sure what to do with the butterflies that flutter in your stomach. There's nothing you can do about them. Mabu's love isn't good enough for Reo, and Mabu isn't even here, anyway. Mabu is dead, and Reo is currently planning on stealing away silver dishes so he can bring Mabu back. Because that's what love is. Going to the ends of the earth for another person. That's what desire is. Needing someone so much that it eats you from the inside out. ... [[You feel so empty without him in your arms.]]

Reo glances at Mabu again, and your eyes meet. Reo sets his face, chews on his lower lip, and sighs slowly through his nose. Mabu doesn't react at all, as per usual. Slowly, Reo crawls over the gap between their beds and [[lifts Mabu's chin with his fingers, pressing his thumb against Mabu's lip.]]

The look on Reo's face is severe, but Mabu doesn't flinch. He blinks slowly, as if processing what Reo has done, and then closes his eyes and leans into Reo's palm. It'd be cute if this wasn't a charade. You both know that this isn't going to last. "Why do you keep trying to make me ningyouyaki?" Reo asks. His voice lacks most of its bitterness. "Dolls can't make food." [["I am Mabu," Mabu says.]]

Reo clicks his tongue, letting his hand fall. "Yeah, okay." A memory fills your mind. *It makes me happy when you eat.* You blink and stare at each other. There are no teeth marks on Mabu's thighs. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[You wonder if there should be.]] ]]

"Mabu," Reo starts, but then stops, as if realizing that he's caught himself in a contradiction. Mabu doesn't call him out on it. He extends his hand instead. It's cruel of him to do that, but he does it anyway, because desire has planted its roots so deeply inside of him that they threaten to choke out all semblance of love. [[His pulse beats evenly in his median vein.]]

Reo stares for a long moment, but ultimately takes Mabu's hand. Mabu's hand is cold against Reo's warm palm. You look at each other again, testing. Is this what you really want? Is this what you're asking for? Reo shakes his head and holds Mabu's arm in both of his hands, examining it as closely as he can in the dark. He can't see Mabu's veins, but he can hear them. Mabu's heart is so loud. It's so different than... before. It's a wonder Reo can ever sleep. [[He leans down and kisses the base of Mabu's wrist.]]

"Is this a dream?" he asks Mabu, his teeth scraping against the underbelly of his arm. A pause. Goosebumps rise on Mabu's skin. [["Do you want to find out?"]]

What's gotten into you? "Maybe," Reo finally responds. "Should I ask you to pinch me?" "Only if you'd like me to pinch you. I've been told my grasp is firm." Mabu's fingers curl into a loose fist as Reo licks right on top of Mabu's veins, sucking gently. [[You want him so badly.]]

Mabu manages to push himself up into a sitting position. Now, you can look at each other face to face as Reo mouths at his arm. It's both familiar and deeply uncomfortable. When did things get this way? Mabu leans forward, just like he used to, and [[Reo bites.]]

Not so hard as to damage anything, but definitely hard enough to draw blood. Mabu hisses, but doesn't pull away. Reo goes still, his eyes widening, but can't let go of what's in his mouth. [[You're stuck here, like this, forever.]]

That's what it all comes down to, huh? ... Forever is thirty seconds. Reo removes his teeth from Mabu's wrist. None of the veins were damaged, but Mabu can still clearly feel where Reo's tongue lapped against the most vulnerable part of his arm. [[There's blood on Reo's teeth.]]

It's not anything like how it was in the dream. It's so much like how it was in the dream. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [You draw close to each other, like opposite ends of a magnet. Mabu wraps his arms around Reo, covering him in blood, and Reo nuzzles against Mabu's neck. [[It'd be easy to end it all, but you're not ready for that yet.]] ]]

You fall back onto the tatami flooring, on neither of your futons, and hold each other tightly, the scent of Mabu's blood heady in the air, until you fall into the darkest, most dreamless sleep that you've ever known. (after:4s,4s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [''the end'']] (after:5s,5s) [ (transition:"dissolve") [ [[Restart?|Actual Start]] ]]